. amanda .
. 24th Nov '88 .
. Sagittarus .
. NYPian .
. [AF 0501] .
. ex-SACian .
. ex-SJCian .
. ex-MJCian .
a b o u t ;
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Thursday, April 29, 2004
hmm..suppose 2 b studyin nw..argh!! act wanted go n haf lunch wif xiao wei..bt den she say nvm la..we both go hm..cos lata gt ptm..den a bit rush..i agree la..so i came hm lo..n haf maggie..haha..if had lunch wif her..den can study oso..haha.. bt oh well..nvm..i reali cant study @ hm..hw?? my parents oso dun like mi go out study..haix..sianx..reali veri sianx..there r so many distractions in my life lo..i reali cant focus..i dun haf tt self-discipline in mi..or self-motivation..wat shld i do?! argh..im so lost in life man..i dun noe wat i reali wan..hw come ppl dun study hard oso can do well..n hw they study?
mayb i juz wan some1 2 understand mi..2 noe mi inside out..im like stuck im part of my life nw..cant move..though e days r movin pass mi..haix..sometimes i reali wonder..bt there is no ans yet..wat is my purpose in livin..when i suffer? aft sufferin i still haf 2 die ma..rite? hmm..k..i'll nt say i always suffer..there r reali gd times..
2day reflection was abt e last moment b4 u go 2 bed everynite..cant reali rem..bt its sth abt dis guy..b4 gg 2 bed he wil tink of e mistakes/bad tings he did tt day..he ended up hittin myself cos he cant 4gif himself..aft a few mths..so he decided 2 change..everynite b4 he slp..he will tink of e gd tings he did in tt day..den he gt beta..he noes he did gd tings though he made mistakes..n so he could 4gif himself.. hmm..tinkin of doin tt..mayb it will help mi get over my failin life..den i wun tinkim a failure..
@ hm i always start tinkin of those unhappy stuff...y arx?!?! mayb cos im alone..n feelin lonely ba..haix..nvm..muz try stay happy ya? -smilex-
piano*gal >.<
-silent wispers- if onli i can turn e clock back..i'll choose my path of life again..
thinking of you @ 4:30 PM
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
yingjie: i've linked u le..heex..tagged u oso..heex..tc!!
2day had a heavy amaths..haha..i tink our class is faster den e rest of e classes..heex..happy.. ms ng gave back our ss SBQ hw..den i did quite well..heex..quite happy..bt if onli it was my exams mark..den it wld b beta..haha..hope i can do tt well 4 my tests n examz..
been tinkin abt frdship tings..i envy mel paul n nori sia..they so damn close lo..reali..i wonder hw ppl maintain their frdship esp those hu last veri veri long..was it my fault?? did i reali neglected u?? im so confuse nw..i noe i noe..i shldn't tink abt all dis nw..or mayb write tings tt may strain our frdship even more..i reali dun noe wat's gg on..in my life..argh..sometimes i reali wonder..hw come one min we were like so damn close..nth is a secret btwn us..e next everyting is so diff..i dun noe ur life..u dun noe my..wat happen? i dun noe..cos i nv noe wat u were tinkin or mayb noe wat u tink of sometings..dun wanna spoil ur mood..if i did..sori..dun exactly noe wat im feelin nw..im nt blamin any1..or mayb myself..
piano*gal >.<
hw 2 b happy? -silent cries-
thinking of you @ 5:45 PM
Saturday, April 24, 2004
2day had chi oral..i tink was ok la..i was nt as nervous as last time..haha..dun noe y..mayb its nt e real o level chi tt's y..bt i didnt noe hw 2 ans e conversation part..as usual..i dun noe hw 2 speak in chi..haha..oh well..its over..oh ya..1 of e conversation topics was shld 16yr olds get into a r/s..haha..wanted 2 say yes..bt had 2nd tots..den say no lo..bt horx..i dun noe hw 2 explain myself..oh well..haha..
suppose 2 b doin hw..slackin again..bt i did my emaths le..tryin 2 fin my chi compo..bt dun noe wat 2 write..i like repeatin my pts onli..haha..shall figure out lata..den still gt eng compre..hmm..still gt phy..tinkin of revisin..haha..mayb shall split..revise a little lata..den fin hw tml..haha..oh ya..tml still gt piano..sianx..haha..
dun noe wat 2 write le..haha..oh well..tc every1..
piano*gal >.<
believe in urself..n u can do it..
thinking of you @ 5:08 PM
Friday, April 23, 2004
*saRahmariE: heyx..haha..thx!! i will take care..u oso wor..n study hard!! stay happy!! haha..
2day didnt stay back..haha..so happy sia..cos i went 2 look 4 her durin recess..den ya..hmm..i dun wanna collect $$ le..its like ppl say im a loan shark..oh well..shall nt let it affect mi..den she still ask mi do e acct tings..some more i dun noe hw lo.. so irritatin..haix..
o level chi is drawin so near..yet im still slackin..haix..wat;s gg on wif mi?? every1 so 'panic' except mi..argh!! sometimes i reali hate myself 2 e core..y do i do tings tt will hurt nt onli mi bt others? y?!?! argh!! life sux man..reali..i dun noe y i even wanna cont livin? bt it's oso nt rite 2 hurt others even more..rite? i tried..i tried 2 stop doin tings tt hurt..bt i always fail..i feel like a failure..i like nv did sth nice n gd..always failin..even when i try..mayb i did try hard enough..argh!! depression man..so many feelin gg inside mi nw..i hurt so many ppl..wat kind of a person m i? onli noe hw 2 hurt ppl..
mum..i found dis poem 4 u..u may nt c it..bt it says all i wanna say..
I'm Sorry I'm not who you want me to be.
Not the friend , the daughter ,
the sister or the girlfriend.
Everything I do I must do for the wrong reason.
I don't make the perfect grades , or dress the
way you want.
I'm sorry , I'm not the sweet , innocent angel
you always dreamed of.
I'm sorry for the for the lies and all those times
I made you so mad you could
just about cry.
Please forget about everything I ever did ,
forget about me completely.
I no longer want to be on this earth.
But don't worry about me where I'll go its
a happy place , a place where I don't have to
be sorry.
For I know my words mean absolutely nothing to you ,
But in the midst of this all , please remember ,
I'm sorry and I always loved you...
another poem..juz find it nice n wat im tinkin nw..
Where did you go, friend?
Days are bleeding into dark nights now
I sense the sky falling down on you
The stars telling me they’ll cry their blackest tears tonight
All the words you say now
Have lost their wings of innocence
You're talking backwards, seeming broken
I can't even try to comprehend
Somehow my words are rendered useless
Nothing ends this twisted, tangled dream
I wish there were something to hold on to
Before this chokes us to our senses
Please... Dry those tears for me
Let me see them glitter and tell me you’re alright
When the sun goes down tomorrow
I’ll remember this and every word you say
piano*gal >.<
life sux 2 e core...
thinking of you @ 7:21 PM
Thursday, April 22, 2004
julia: haha..thx!! heex..
alex kor: haha..i will..dun worry..dun wanna b a failure in life oso ma..haha..bt i still gt piano 2 rely on la..heex..
hmm..2day went 4 pft duty..was ok la..i helped wif sit n reach..n my teacher was mr chia(my daddy)haha..tt's wat they used 2 tease mi abt when in sec2..cos same surname..oh well..he is so diff fr my dad lo..haha..it was ok la..bt was quite tirin..nw so tired..mrs low was there oso..haha..next 2 my station..den we chatted..den she say..if tml i cant collect fin..den tell ms lee tt let e new treasurer do..aft e person is chosen..so happy..bt i collect fr e upper sec 1st la..esp sec4..heex..cos they sure dun noe e new 1 ma..so ya..hope they pay by tml..heex..
gt another mei..haha..lost count of my 'fam' le..haha..oh well..i noe they r my 'siblings' can le..haha..hope she will b happy though she say tt her mood veri ez affected..mei..dun take tings 2 hard..muz try 2 make it less simple so tt u will b happy *smilex* hope everyting is fine..
dear..i reali hope u wun gif up in ur studies..it reali means a lot 2 mi..sure u dun wanna c urself fail in life rite? n ur frdz or even bros doin beta..dun do sth u will regret again..i dun wanna c my dear fail in life oso ma..anyway u r smart..juz lazy.. heex..miss ya loads man..wonderin when den can go out again..oh well..*HuGx*
'wat's life?
juz a simple word..
yet so hard 2 reali noe tt word..
wat's happiness?
when do we reali feel happy?
i dun noe..
wat's frdz?
wat r true frdz?
it has such a complex meanin..'
piano*gal >.<
life has a meanin..juz tt we haven it..so it feels so meaningless @ time..
thinking of you @ 7:32 PM
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
argh!! feelin so stressed up nw..2day suppose 2 c ms lee abt chior acct ting..den i nv la..my fault i didnt tell her i cldn't tell her..i had pft 5batts 2day..wanted find her aft sch de..den it silpped my mind..some more i had amaths sss..argh!! im like so cramp up wif time..some more my results like crap..i slack some much some more..im gg crazy..oh ya..i still gt piano 2 tink abt..wat is gg on in my life?!?! it sux..im breakin down soon..
pft was fine..tink i gt a gold dis yr..bt wasted last yr gt silver..dun noe if still can get tt special gold award..aiya..bt nvm..act my shuttle run fail de..cos i wore shoes..den like veri slippery..i retest..den i passed...fr fail 2 A haha..dis time wif out shoes ma..haha..oh well..i did 45 sit up..act wanna do more..bt scared paiseh like so extra do so many..haha..so stop lo..did 23 pull up..quite happy..sit n reach gt 36..a C le..haha..veri happy le..den i get gold le..cos i sit n reach cant do de..so ya.. standin broad jump act did well de..bt cos of my hand..haha..oh well..more den C can la..heex..
wah lao..i veri stress nw..hw 2 come down?? oh ya..my frd was quite upset wif her pft..consoled her..2gether wif many others..bt dis is 2 her: DUN GIF UP!! DUN FEEL DISCOURAGED!! U DID US BEST 2DAY!! *smilex* ALL E BEST 4 UR RETEST OK? heex..hope u reali felt beta.. k..beta go le..do my stupid chior ting..oh ya..tml is my jie bday..next day is ape's..haha..wish them HAPPY BDAY here..heex..stay happy always ya?
piano*gal >.<
e biggest challenge is urself..
thinking of you @ 9:34 PM
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
yen: heyx..thx..abt e best frd ting..bt i veri confuse abt e 2words..wat does it reali mean? there's no meanin in e dic..muz find 4 myself..so ya..no offence..*smilex*
frenz: heyx..hu r u btw?haha..
2day gt back termly report..dun dare show my parents sia..esp dad..i always gif him sign de..nw i dun dare leh..some more i tink he noe we still 2gether..dun wan say onli..(tink 2 much again!! haha.)my results quite bad sia..den mrs tan was like hw come ur emaths n amaths e marks so big diff? obivously u can do maths rite..i juz kept quiet..cos i dun noe wat 2 say..haha.. den she ask mi get help fr ms ng abt my ss..haha...i heard as get more marks fr ms ng..so i said 'huh' haha..stupid mi rite? so funny..aiya..bt i deproved a lot i noe..oh well..i beta study..
emaths teacher nw is mr pra..(erm dun noe hw spell his name..haha..sori..) he veri funny leh..bt 2bad half way his lesson we had 2 go 4 health check up 2day..argh!! we were juz enjoyin his lesson man..oh well..haha..bt den its nt confirm juz a sub..haix..dun noe wat other emaths teacher is gd..e sch like no gd teachers de..
had councillor meet as usual..bt durin PC we had 2 present our struture everyting 2 e whole sch..haha..den my grp DT we doin e cheer/song was most funny de la..i tink..bt so paiseh lo..haha..oh well..it's over..bt had fun..real fun..heex..meetin was a drag as usual..gt irritated wif some1..dun talk abt her..haha..next fri gt ptm..im gonna ask my dad or mum 2 bring up 2 e sch abt e system..i reali cant stand it le..
piano*gal >.<
wat's happenin 2 mi?!?!
thinking of you @ 5:59 PM
Monday, April 19, 2004
suppose 2 b studyin nw..bt aiya..as usual..hw m i gg 2 pass like tt?read my kor's blog..it was sth abt takin tings 4 granted.. sort of feel like im takin tings 4 granted as well..i mean i gt time 2 study yet i dun..den i complain n get sad when i dun do well..
2day chi lesson..was doin a bit of oral..cos dis sat is my chi mid yr oral..1 passage wif a bit 'ren' (ppl) it wrote tt e chi word 4 ppl is ez 2 write..yet 2 reali understand ppl is diff..i totally agree u noe..im scared 2 get close 2 any1 le..i mean veri veri close im scared of losin them again..it hurts nt onli mi..but them as well..i dun believe in best frdz anymore..i still haven figure out abt myself..i hate myself many many times..4 e tings i do..4 e way i act..on n on..i noe if i wanna love some1..i shld love myself 1st rite? im tryin..i reali wanna noe..im lost..in a veri deep place..life is short..n wat if i nv gt e chance 2 find out hu i reali m..n my purpose in livin..
watched dis video clip durin cme lesson..sth abt carin..or sth..'it's hard 2 noe if u r doin e rite ting..it's even harder 2 do it once u noe it's e rite ting..' ppl gif in 2 temptions..i noe tt feelin..aft doin sth i noe is nt rite..i reali regretted..i mean..i could juz stop it..yet it made mi gt deeper in..im nt blamin any1 bt myself..though mayb its nt onlin my fault..dis time im veri positive 2 stop it..i hope i haf e strength 2..it's nv ez 2 pull away fr temptions..i reali admire those hu does..
piano*gal >.<
2 understand some1 is difficult @ times..esp when u tink u r in e rite..
thinking of you @ 5:27 PM
Friday, April 16, 2004
mel: thx..sori wor..haha..i type wrongly so e link cldn't come out..i changed it le..heez..miss ya!! *HuGx*
2day had my 2.4run..was so tired aft tt..bt is nt so bad la..i tink i did quite well le..so i beta do well 4 my sit n reach..if nt i cry arz..tt's e ting tt pull mi down..cos e rest im fine wif it..haha..hope can get a gold..heex..
feelin beta den those 2 days..hmm..dun noe wat gt into mi..sometimes happy..den aft tt become sad or irritated again..i decided 2 work veri hard le..yest read a bit of bio..hmm..i muz do well wor..i believe i can..depends on i wan 2 or not onli rite? heex..
life is short..i muz make full use of it..hmm..sadness cant b avoided..bt i can still try make myself happy..rite? hmm..didnt chat 4 2 days le..doubt 2day can chat wif him oso..oh well..muz get used 2 it..
piano*gal >.<
u reap wat u sow...
9.30 nw..was kinda upset again..argh!! i hate mood swings man..oh well..bt dis time i ink its veri bad leh..oh well..
happy tt tml gg out le leh..haha..hmm..bt was quite upset juz nw cos of my parents la..i jk say go poly den no need 2 study so hard..den my mum had 2 tell my dad..well..i didnt exactly get a scoldin..bt den..y she juz cant keep it btwn both of us..suddenly dun feel like sharin wif her le..i tryin 2get closer 2 her..yet..haix..nvm..dun wanna say all my sad tings le.. say le..dun noe will b wat time..haha..
piano*gal >.<
tryin 2 stay happy...
thinking of you @ 5:32 PM
hmm..been feelin upset since last nite..haha..den was kinda upset when u cldn't chat wif mi..wanted u 2 cheer mi up..nw i noe..i need 2 b independent..cryin wun help..though it does make mi feel beta some hw..
we r so near yet so far..im still wonderin wat happen..hmm..i reali dun noe..bt wat has happen is over..so i dun reali wanna find out..cos it might hurt again..hmm..bt im glad we still talk..
2day chi lesson was fun..haha..we had 'spellin' bt as a grp..den ok la..it was funny..n nice..den we had 2 write our tots of chi act..i do like chi..they words r so meaningful..esp chi songs..bt den i still cant seem 2 do well in chi..oh well..hmm..other sub r fine..juz tt sometimes i reali dun noe hw study..i reali wanna do well..n yes i noe we reap wat we sow..i reali appreciate ppl hu wanna help mi..valerie kor..thx..4 always wantin 2 help mi..givin mi those advice abt studies..i noe i always reject bt its cos i wanna do it m own..so tt when i do well..i can feel proud of myself..bt i wun boast..haha..
piano*gal >.<
thru yrs of livin..i still haven found e reason 2 b alive...
thinking of you @ 4:55 PM
Thursday, April 15, 2004
was filled wif a weird feelin..a veri familar feelin..jealousy..dun noe y..bt oh well.. dun wish 2 say anymore..
took back my ct results le..did quite bad..haiz..bt no use sighin rite? i decided 2 work veri hard..4 myself nt 4 e sch..i muz nt let e stupid sch affect my tinkin rite? i failed 4 sub..n yet some of my frds failed 2 they say they did veri bad..do they noe hw fustrated i was? i mean..nvm..no use sayin all dis when it's myfault tt i nv study hard enough..i beta start..esp since o level chi is comin..bt im happy i passed eng..heez..tot i wld fail...
wat happen 2 u dar? i reali im confuse aft readin ur blog..i tot ur r/s was fine..y didnt u come 2 mi? i dun blame u though..im nt tt frd i once was..m i? bt wateva it is..i hope u r fine..oh btw..mind if u can reply tt letter i gave u? i reali wanna noe wat u reali m tinkin..
ms neo last day is tml..sad..she such a nice n carin teacher..dun say le..bt i wish her happiness..n tt she'll always rem us..i noe i wld always rem her helpin mi wif maths...
yest was swim meets..was ok la..bt e whole atmosphere was like so sianz..esp since it was aftnoon..many tings happened lately..k la..nt say its reali many..anyway i wish every1 gd luck 4 pft dis sat!!
piano*gal >.<
y does ppl get jealous so easily? some ppl even become silly when jealousy get e beta of them..
thinking of you @ 5:21 PM
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
2day is e last day of ct!! ooh la la..haha..it was bio la..juz like i said..hmm..e paper is ez if u reali studied well..n noe ur facts rite..hmm..bt i dun noe if ans them correctly nt..haha..cos i nv noe hw 2 ans them..esp wif ms charles markin e paper..i dun reali tink i get a high chance of doin well..though i reali studies..bt 4get facts here n there..hmm..yest was like e 1st time i act studied bio..or rather a time i reali sat down n stduies wif full conc..im gg 2 do tt 4 mis yr n other more examz..i hope i will.. i muz.. quite happy wif myself 4 stduyin yest..haha..cos u noe..i m a slacker..
when haf lunch wif ah yen..heez..den ya..chat quite a lot..hmm..hope can do dis more often!! yeah..haha..*best frdz 4eva*
juz nw went eat late tea..haha..wonder hw m i gg 2 eat dinner lata..oh well..
heard sth regardin my dad's job..dun worry he nv gt fired..bt well..he quite upset wif it..cos of sth..haiz..he was so upset
tt he even slammed down his hand lo..haiz..my heart break..my dad..yet i cant do anyting..bt dad..though u cant read dis plz noe tt u r e best dad i haf..e greatest!! i love u dad..u tried 2 calm mi down wif my quarrels wif mum..n u respect my decisions..thank you..
y do we need 2 live? n b born in dis cruel world? y live n suffer? bt i admire my dad..n my mum..i love e both of u!!
piano*gal >.<
tinkin of u brings joy in my life..
thinking of you @ 5:43 PM
Monday, April 05, 2004
2day's papers i gg 2 die le..so damn difficult sia..argh..oh well..wat i realli care is o level la..aft dis ct..im gg start studyin 4 mi mid yr le..its like 30/4 die!! den aft mth aft tt is my o level chi..july is oral..den wah..sept is prelims..nov is o level le..oh no dis yr is like passin so fast..n i haven played enough yet in sec sch..haiz..gg 2 miss it..bt nt e sch..haha..
2day mrs chan said..some1 told her they gt booked cos of LONG skirt!! can u blieve? haha..its so funny..den gt another 1 wif 2many clips..oh well..dun noe wat is e sch up 2 anymore..
tml is e last paper!! yeah!! haha..bt den more harder n impt 1 comin up..haiz..so muz study damn hard..tml is bio..haiz.. prepared 2 fail..cos nv did well in bio..plus i believe tml's paper is gg 2 b a killer..cos its bio!! haiz..hope it goes smoothly lo.. yupx..heez..
piano*gal >.<
hw many times a day i tink of u? i cant rem..all i noe is u r always on my mind...
thinking of you @ 4:00 PM
Friday, April 02, 2004
2day had swimmin heats..wah so tired sia..bt den it was rainin..so it started late..den saw ms lim so ask her teach mi amaths..cos tt time b4 hols suppose meet her den she bz..den she ask mi aft hols den meet her..bt den 2bz wif awards rehersal..den no time..den didnt wanna waste time ma..so juz ask lo..haha..nw understand beta..bt den e chap15 i dun reali noe hw do..sianz..nvm..try lo..heez..
hmm..my humans fail le..haiz..cos SBQ den horz i dun noe hw ans SBQ de..my hist i onli nw hw do e 5m qn..haha..den my chi rite? most words came out fr 3B..i nv learn tt bk lo..haiz..my han zi like almost all blank..haha..1st time like tt..almost gave up e whole paper..wanted leave it blank..haha..oh well..
mon is amaths wif sci lo..wah..gt so much 2learn sia..plus tue is bio..die..gt a lot of chap..plus i dun noe anyting..prepared 2 fail le..oh well..bt anyway tue is last paper le..haha..bt den muz start studyin 4 my o levels..esp chi..heard some ppl reali v hard workin..i gt stressed..haha..i muz do well wor..try 2get 2 jc..cos i wan do psy..bt den like v hard sia..oh well..next yr den c hw lo..haha
hmm..i reali miss him..miss him more n more dis days..2day he gg register 4 ite..haiz..quite sad leh..bt i hope he will buck up in ite..cos i beliee its nt e end..if he reali work hard..bt i noe its hard 4 tt cos he has nv reali had a gd attitude 2wards studies..n its hard 2change..i noe tt feelin..cos im tryin 2 chage myself..
piano*gal >.<
dear..no matter wat..i'll always b there...i love u..
thinking of you @ 7:25 PM
wishing for--*
* new tops/ bottoms/ jumper
* nail polish
* new highlights for hair
* new heels
* new diary (notebook)
* have a beta 2007
* be more decisive
movie list--*
happy feet
open season
Night at the Museum
charlotte's web
eragon
= the holiday =
curse of e golden flower
= zodiac =
= TMNT =
= Ghost Rider =
= Spider Man 3 =